The Holiday Song Rant

It’s the 21st of December, the Winter Solstice, the day before the fist day of Hanukka, four days until Christmas, five days until Kwanzaa, and a week and a half until the end of the year. No matter what you celebrate, or even if you don’t celebrate anything at all, there is one thing that we all have in common...

...by now, we’re all really sick of Christmas songs.

Everyone has their favorite songs. Also, it is definitely the truth that there are some songs that everyone hates. There are songs that are just awful, songs that make you cringe, songs that get stuck in you head despite the fact that you don’t want them there, songs that make you want to rip the radio out of the dashboard and chuck it out the window. I performed an informal poll
1 to determine a list of these most hated songs. Why? I hear you ask.2

So I, in my infinite wisdom, can recommend songs to listen to instead, songs that will knock these horrible earworms out of you head and on to the concrete where you can step on them.

Although some of these songs received many more votes than others,
4 I am presenting them in no particular order.5

“The Hippopatumus Song”
I will admit, I had never even heard of this song until about a decade ago and I’ve only actually heard the song on the radio a handful of times. It is, however, vile. It relies heavily on that annoying song sung by a kid thing that just grates on your nerves. Instead of this, listen to:

“Oogie Boogie’s Song” from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
This is an amazing soundtrack which I assume anyone reading this already owns. It is most definitely a Christmas movie.
6 Better yet, Ken Page’s vocals are the exact opposite of the annoying whine of whoever sang that other crap.

“Santa Baby”
Holy shit, do I ever hate this song. Seriously, it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.8 No matter who sings is, they affect that horrible cutesy baby talk voice that comedian Dara O’Bien calls “That ‘Santa Baby’ boop boopie doop bullshit.” Putting all of that aside for a moment, there is also the overall message of the song which can be broken down into three words: GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE. What a terrible representation of everything that is wrong with the commercialization and greed which has come to be synonymous with the holiday season. Instead of this shite, listen to:

“Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC.
For those of you unfamiliar with the song, in the first verse there is an encounter with a stranger who drops his wallet.

I picked the wallet up then I took a pause
Took out the license and it cold said “Santa Claus”
A million dollars in it, cold hundreds of g’s
Enough to buy a boat and matching car with ease

But I’d never steal from Santa, cause that ain’t right...

In other words, the author of the song could buy all of the things that the fuck trumpet singing “Santa Baby” is begging for. Instead, there are plans to RETURN THE WALLET. And in the end, this honesty is rewarded.

But when I got home I bugged, cause under the tree
Was a letter from Santa and all the dough was for me!


“My Two Front Teeth”
Again with that annoying trying to sound like a little kid thing. Was there ever a time when kids actually sounded like this? If so, how did we survive as a species? How did we not murder our children as soon as they learned how to speak? Instead of this, listen to:

“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”
Journey back to your childhood. Enjoy the cleverly crafted lyrics of Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel. You know you are going to be singing along by the time you get to “Stink, Stank, STUNK!” We all know that the cartoon features the vocal talents of the amazing Boris Karloff, but did you know that the singer’s name is Thurl Ravenscroft? How bad ass is that?

“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”
Oh, there’s so much wrong with this one. This attempt at a parody song features the ultimate in annoying vocals. Nails on a fucking chalkboard this one. And Dave screaming at Alvin? Dude, that’s not funny, that’s borderline abuse. Instead of this, listen to:

“Podsafe Christmas” by Jonathon Coulton
What could be better than a parody of a parody? How about a parody of a parody by geek legend Jo-Co? I’m not going to describe the song because that would give away the central joke, but trust me, it’s pretty hysterical.

“The Little Drummer Boy” by Marlena Deitrich
This was a specific dislike from
Dragon’s Roost Press author Peggy Christie. I’ve always loved the central premise of the song — the idea that people accept the gifts that one can supply, no matter how big or small. In fact, this is one of my favorite Christmas themed songs, but will agree with her judgement on this particular version. Fortunately, there is an easy solution to this problem. Instead of this, listen to:

“The Little Drummer Boy” by Christopher Lee
What can you say about Christopher Lee? From the
Dracula films to LOTR, his film career spans basically spans the spectrum of things that I love. On top of this, he was a scary bad ass in real life as well. He was a spy during WWII and may have been the inspiration for the character of James Bond. But did you know that in his later years he fronted a metal band? Hell yes he did. They put out a number of Christmas albums and their version of this song rocks.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
I loathe this song. Oh you creepy mother fucker, just let her go home already. I’ve heard people argue that it is a reflection of the times and that the protests of the woman in the song are just for show and that she actually wants to stay. Right. Sure. That’s why the line “Say, what’s in this drink?” appear in the song.9 This song is so stalkertastic that I just want to vomit. Instead of this, listen to:

“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow”
This is the anti-BICO song. The singer is so happy with where she is that she doesn’t care if there is a blizzard raging outside the window. She’s with someone she cares for and is very pleased with the idea of snuggling up by the fire for the rest of the evening. This is what you want your date to be saying, not “For fucks sake, let me out of your creepy love dungeon.”

“Last Christmas” by Taylor Swift
Oof. Take a song which is already overplayed on the radio and hand it off to one of the most overplayed singers. Honestly, why bother? Just listen to the Wham! version. You know you’re going to hear it anyway. Instead of this, listen to:

“Last Christmas” by Leo Moracchioli
Another metal version of a classic holiday song, but this one rocks. It’s just what you need to clean the syrup out of your ears after hearing Tay Tay’s version.

“Last Christmas” by Wham!
Seriously, this song isn’t that bad. The only real reason that people dislike it is that it has become such a staple of radio play that it’s not possible to avoid it. Hell, there’s even a challenge, Whamaggedon, in which you try to avoid it for as long as possible.
10 Instead of this, listen to:

Nothing. Face it, you already lost. Just sit back and try to enjoy.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
This is another one I’m putting up because it’s a personal irritation of mine. What the Hell is going on here? There are two options. Mom and dad are getting it on while he’s in a Santa suit, which is problematic at best. One assumes that the suit goes on in case the kids come down and see dad with the presents, which they do. Way to scar the kids for life. I’m not kink shaming here, but some things are better kept behind closed doors when you have little ones around. The other option is that it really is Santa, in which case Mom is getting on with someone other than Dad. “What a laugh it would have been...” Bullshit. Dad’s not going to laugh at that, he’s going to be broken. His wife cheated on him with a giant elf. I hope you enjoy having two Christmases kid, because your folks are getting divorced. In stead of this, listen to:

“Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy” by Bowling For Soup
The boys from Wichita Falls have their own version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” but this song, but this song solves one of the problems I noted above:

Santa put his arm around mama
And mama put her arm around him
So if Santa Claus ain’t daddy
Then I’m gonna tell on him


“All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey
There was a time when you couldn’t turn on the radio or go into a store after Halloween
11 without hearing this. It’s lessened a little, but I still cringe any time I hear this song. Gack. Enough already. Instead of this, listen to:

Anything Else from Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album
There is no denying that Mariah in her prime was an amazing singer. Try something else.

Anything by Justin Bieber
Sweet merciless Cthulhu, what crappy radio station are you listening to that you hear Taylor and Justin? Instead of this, listen to:

“Sleigh Ride” by TLC
This is an underrated and often forgotten song which should be on everyone’s playlist. ‘nuff said.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” by Band Aid
This one got a number of votes. Personally, I don’t hate it, but I would never search it out. I have to give it bonus points for the honesty of Bono belting out “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” Still, I can see how it would annoy the crap out of people. Instead of this, listen to:

“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings” by the Barenaked Ladies featuring Sarah McLachlan
This is a beautiful rendition of a couple of classics featuring some amazing vocals. If you can get past the fact that McLachlan’s music plays over the ASPCA commercial that always makes you cry, you will enjoy this one.

“Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney and Wings
When this showed up multiple times on my FB feed, I thought “What’s wrong with that one?” Then I listened to it. I had forgotten about the children’s choir. Oy vey. The children singing. Instead of this, listen to:

“Another Brick in the Wall” by Pink Floyd
What? I never said that they would be all holiday songs. If you really must listen to a song with a bunch of kids singing, why not go for a rock and roll classic? Maybe the pudding you can’t get if you don’t eat your meat is figgy pudding.
12 There, now it’s a holiday song.

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo and Patsy
Another potentially traumatizing song that a number of people voted for. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be funny, but after the first listen, is it? I’m going to say no. Instead of this, listen to:

“Santa Claus and His Old Lady” by Cheech and Chong
A funny song that is a Christmas classic. You know the words. You’ve probably said “A little more for Santa Claus” at least once in the last few weeks.

“Carol of the Bells”
What the fuck is this song anyway? I know people are singing, but I have no idea what the words are. I can’t possibly be the only person who gets anxiety listening to this song as it gets faster and faster and they keep talking about the bells the bells THE BELLS.

Ahem.

I honestly think the words might be “All of the bells, those fucking bells, all I hear are bells, please stop the bells...” Instead of that, listen to:

“Linus and Lucy” by the Vince Guaraldi Trio
You could pick anything from the soundtrack to
A Charlie Brown Christmas and instantly be rocketed back to happy memories of childhood.14 Of them all, this is the one that you know will at least get your foot tapping. Odds are you will actually stand up and start doing the dances.15

I’ve saved the worst for last. Without a doubt, the clear winner of worst holiday song in my totally unscientific poll was:

[drumroll]

“Christmas Shoes” by NewSong
HO-HO-HO-LEE SHIT do y’all hate this song. Easily one of the most depressing songs ever written. I don’t even know what to say about it. Fortunately, I don’t have to, I can just reproduce the thread from my FB post here.
16

“Christmas Shoes.” I’m sorry but it’s so tacky to me. Most people look at me like an insensitive prick when I say that. Lol.

THIS. I’m sorry, but everyone else is objectively wrong. That song is insipid trash with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

If it weren’t for the existence of the “Pina Colada Song,” “Christmas Shoes” would be the OVERALL worst song ever made. It will have to settle for #2 (which is fitting).

REDACTED NAME yeah, cause Jesus doesn’t care about healthcare, but you’l better have on pretty shoes when you die.

REDACTED NAME I’m a Pastor and I think “Christmas Shoes” is the worst song ever. And it’s terrible theology to boot!

Wow. I really don’t need to add anything to that, do I? Instead of this, listen to:

Literally anything else.
Anything. Cat’s screeching in the night. Cars backfiring. The previously mentioned nails on a chalkboard. Hell, even the previously mentioned songs. If you really want to dive into the whole being depressed thing, put on
Louder Than Bombs by The Smiths. Listen to “Please, Please, Please (Let Me Get What I Want)” or “Unlovable” over and over.

So, this was a nice little rant, wasn’t it? I wish I could say that my choice to use red and green coloring was on purpose for the season, but I just noticed that it worked out that way.

Hope you are having a great holiday season and can avoid these stinker songs.

1 Very informal. Basically I asked a few people in person and posted a question on my personal Facebook page.

2 Well, not literally. You readers are a lot more vocal in my imagination than you are in real life.
3

3 Yes, I hear voices in my head. I don’t think any of you will find this shocking.

4 Don’t worry, I will not which ones these are.

5 To be fair, I very rarely listen to the radio. When I’m in the car I usually listen to audiobooks or podcasts. When I’m in the mood for music, I listen to my own playlists or iHeart radio channels where my chances of encountering these songs is slim to none.

6 AND a Halloween movie.
7

7 And a
watch whenever I feel like it movie. Natch.

8 With decades of working retail under my belt, I’ve heard plenty of terrible holiday music.

9 Insert Bill Cosby reference here.

10 I managed to make it to the 18th this year, the longest I’ve ever survived.

11 And don’t get me started on the expansion of the Christmas season.

12 Honorable mention: “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” because of the second verse. Way to take a nice song with a happy message and turn it into a bunch of kids threatening people because they want a sweet.
13

13 Yes, I recognize the irony in me saying this given my love of Halloween. Bite me.

14 Sitting around watching cartoons with the whole family while eating Dolly Maddison Zingers.

15 Zombie walk, shoulder shrug, Sally’s hands in the air swing from side to side...

16 With the names removed to protect the innocent.